I am writing this from my sofa, whilst I feel the uncontrollable urge not to throw up. I woke up this morning feeling pretty positive. Even for a Monday. Took my medication bang on time after breakfast. About half hour later, I started to feel a bit shit. But I thought I'd just bang through it. I got to work and it literally felt like I was drunk. I couldn't really say much, I was slurring my words and all I wanted to do was be sick.
So back to the locker room I go, with a flower bucket between my hands (thanks to everyone who looked after me at work the Mousers and Jackie) and all I could think about was "I must not throw up"
But I got sent home, I was in no fit state to work. So not only do I feel sick. I have this sense of shame that I have let people down. Myself, work and my wife.
It is a cycle of self loathing. I purposely did not read about the side affects of my medication due to the fact it could act like a placebo. If you read about something, your mind starts to play tricks on you. But after going home and falling asleep on the sofa. Linda woke me up to tell me the hospital had wrote to me with all the information about the side affects my medication could have. So I am posting page 1 of 5.
It is a horrible place to be when the tablets you are taking are meant to make you feel better, actually make you worse. You have a headache you take some paracetamol and your headache goes. You get depression, you take some tablets, the tablets make you worse before you get better. In fact they might even make you feel better.
The new medication I am on requires regular blood tests, to make sure it isn't fucking up my body too much. Pro's and Con's it's one of the best medications you can be prescribed to combat bi-polar but the side affects of getting used to it, as I am now finding out is pretty awful.
So to everyone reading this, I am sorry. I feel embarrassed. Having to leave work with a flower bucket in case you are sick isn't generally one of the looks I go for and I don't like Linda to see me like that either. I am a proud person and I thought I could just smash through this period, but I guess I am going to have to adjust my expectations and realise that this isn't going to be an easy journey that I am taking. But it will be a worthwhile one, no matter how shit I feel right now. I know at some point this will never happen again.
Yours shamefully
Glenn
So back to the locker room I go, with a flower bucket between my hands (thanks to everyone who looked after me at work the Mousers and Jackie) and all I could think about was "I must not throw up"
But I got sent home, I was in no fit state to work. So not only do I feel sick. I have this sense of shame that I have let people down. Myself, work and my wife.
It is a cycle of self loathing. I purposely did not read about the side affects of my medication due to the fact it could act like a placebo. If you read about something, your mind starts to play tricks on you. But after going home and falling asleep on the sofa. Linda woke me up to tell me the hospital had wrote to me with all the information about the side affects my medication could have. So I am posting page 1 of 5.
It is a horrible place to be when the tablets you are taking are meant to make you feel better, actually make you worse. You have a headache you take some paracetamol and your headache goes. You get depression, you take some tablets, the tablets make you worse before you get better. In fact they might even make you feel better.
The new medication I am on requires regular blood tests, to make sure it isn't fucking up my body too much. Pro's and Con's it's one of the best medications you can be prescribed to combat bi-polar but the side affects of getting used to it, as I am now finding out is pretty awful.
So to everyone reading this, I am sorry. I feel embarrassed. Having to leave work with a flower bucket in case you are sick isn't generally one of the looks I go for and I don't like Linda to see me like that either. I am a proud person and I thought I could just smash through this period, but I guess I am going to have to adjust my expectations and realise that this isn't going to be an easy journey that I am taking. But it will be a worthwhile one, no matter how shit I feel right now. I know at some point this will never happen again.
Yours shamefully
Glenn
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