A normal day.

After posting my first ever grown up adult blog about my depression, I was worried to what the reactions would be to it.

But the amount of love and kindness that has been shown to me has been overwhelming.

Although it did make my wife cry. I think it was because I find it easier to type and write down how I feel then actually talking about it to anyone. I mean right now it feels like I am talking to myself, which I am okay with. It is one of the signs of madness but I think I passed that line a long time ago.

But she was crying because she felt sadness at how depression affects me. One of the reasons I don't tell her how bad or crappy I am feeling is that I generally have this amazing rule in my life of if I don't talk about it or ignore it then nothing will happen. Which clearly it doesn't. It is like when you are a child and close your eyes and you think you are hiding from the world, when in fact the world can still see you. I guess I also don't tell her because I want to protect her. I mean I struggle with the fucked up emotions I feel so I feel that other people won't be able to understand. I don't want to feel the guilt. Or the other person to.


Today has been what I would class as a normal day. A functioning day. The easiest way to describe my emotions is it is like I am on auto pilot. I can go through the functions of getting up for work and going to work and doing the whole "yeah I am doing okay thanks" to customers and work mates.

I mean when you are at work and someone asks how you are, you can't really go into detail about how insignificant you feel. I always find myself competing with other people. Over Facebook, Twitter and what have you.

I look at people with good jobs and nice cars and then I look at my moped (yes I am 30 and I have a moped) which doesn't even start so at the moment it is more of a stand. With various boxes around it. Surely at the age of 30 I should have a career and a car.

Is that human nature or is that my depression. Because maybe if I had those things I would still be competing against myself . The problem with competing against yourself is that you will never win. You will always finish last.

I mean I love cycling, it is one of those things I can just do. I mean I am good at cycling. I don't fall off my bike or anything and I can do some serious miles if my mind is set on it. However I punish myself, I do not cycle to enjoy it anymore, I cycle the same route and time myself. With each ride I have to beat my previous time and I maybe taking as many drugs as Lance Armstrong but of course when it is pissing down with rain and your cycling into a headwind your not going to do as well if it is a sunny day with the wind behind you. But oh no, depression doesn't work like that. Depression takes the joy out of it and turns it into some sort of battle royale against yourself. So then I stop cycling then I feel shit about not cycling. But then if I start cycling I will start punishing myself for not beating my times. So it is a circle of constant negativity


But today was better than yesterday, but that doesn't mean tomorrow will be. It really is a case of living day by day. Which is shit. It is now way to live. All I want to do is finish work and hide from the world and not go out. Which then isn't fair on my wife. Because for some weird reason she enjoys going out with me. I mean out, where there will be other people who I automatically assume will be looking at me and judging me. I know that sounds fucked up, like one of those crazy people that wrap themselves in tinfoil because the government is out to get us.

I have the Dr's tomorrow which I look forward to and dread in equal measure. I mean I look forward to it because it means I am taking another little step towards becoming better but it also means I am back at the Dr's again, I mean the smell of the place, the look of death on peoples faces who are waiting to be seen. When your name flashes on the screen it is like the Grim Reaper has called you. Tomorrow could be the start of where my medication all starts to change if so I have to mentally prepare myself for whatever side affects are about to be thrown my way.

I am not going to kid myself and think it is going to be a walk in the park. I am going to be taking a pretty fucking lethal new medication which fucks with your kidneys and thyroid. But hopefully it'll stop the depression. I don't drink so hopefully the kidney thing will be okay and the thyroid thing will either make me loose weight or put some on. I am hoping for a weight loss. That would be pretty cool.

They are also cutting down on my other medication, which means my body is going to get major withdrawal symptoms but I know I have to push through it. Or at least try to. It scares the shit out of me. I take so many drugs my body and brain are already fucked so I can't really do anymore damange to them.


Anyway happy Tuesday... see that happens a lot. My short term memory is crap.

Happy Thursday.


Glenn